So, I'm at the beach, and, as I mentioned, no one here appreciates my good taste. They also like to give me a hard time about drinking good beer, and to shut everyone up, I decided I'd try one "normal" beer a day. Ugh. My condition is that I'm going to give these beers a review. A good, thorough examination which will scientifically (in the loose sense of the term) demonstrate their inferiority. My parents will also be reading this (Hi Mom! Hi Barron! Hi Lil' Bro!) We'll start with the worst and work up

Miller Lite! I got like 3 sips into this beer with a "fresh-keeping-lid" that did not give it any flavor. I wonder why there's such a big market in making water taste "fresh"-- it's either stank water or it's drinkable. Miller falls into the later category, with some carbonation and mild beer-ish flavors thrown in. Seriously though, they're so diluted that I couldn't identify them. Hops maybe? Lameness? a little bit of white trash? After those aforementioned 3 sips, someone saw my grimace and said they'd take it off my hands. Thank god. SCORE: epic failure.

Michelob Ultra

It's watered down beers with few calories! Hooray... it's like eating fat free carob chip cookies. Defeats the whole freaking purpose. Sure, you save the calories, but you don't get any flavor, and only a little alcohol. So boring that it's impossibly to drink. It's less refreshing than water, and not as good as beer, so it ended up getting warm. Plus, drinking beers out of cans makes me feel weak. SCORE: fail.

Smirnoff Ice

So, I must admit, this was the first alcoholic beverage I ever drank, because my mother is addicted to them (not addicted like alcoholic addicted, more like crack addicted  (she's gonna kill me)) I stand by it being somewhat tasty- I mean, it's sugar and alcohol, it's kind of a no-lose combination. But, it's also sickeningly sweet and it feels like a girly drink. I don't always hate drinking girly drinks, but I can't review what's essential a cocktail. SCORE: pass, because of family connections.